My teacher says than when we are feeling pain (due of course to our ignorance of identifying too much with the body rather than we our true essence), we need to wait until the pain calms down before we can meditate on it.
Yesterday I found myself crying like a six year old girl in fear. I was actually experiencing being Giselle age six and in fear. Tantra talks about being able to develop "Witness Consciousness", in other words, being able to develop our capacity to connect to our soul and to distance ourselves from an unsettling or painful situation while seeing the Lila (play or game) of life unfold in front of our eyes.
So I tried that witness consciousness thing.... The dead line to pay my tax return had ended and I had not even realised this until the last minute. I thought I was going to have to pay a huge fine and this made me feel useless and incompetent. You see...my father had done everything for me until I was 26 years old which is when I got married. Then my husband did everything for me and so on and so on..... I had given my power away since I was a child.
So the witness saw little Giselle crying, this poor girl terrified of something so non life threatening. The "witness" then talked to Giselle's Wise side of her brain, who decided to hold her and tell her gently and with compassion that it was about time for her to grow. That she has to be aware of her finances and in charge of her own reins. At first this did not work. The six year old cried again, this time even louder! Giselle realised she had tried to go into her wise side too soon. So, she decided to allow that girl to cry and cry and in that state she called her childhood friend who then told her the fine was only £100 and that she needed not to worry.
I felt so silly but at the same time so grateful for that moment of complete and total vulnerability. It actually made me more compassionate towards friends that have problems with money and debts. I have never had that problem and always felt that people should not worry about money, that the universe always provides. But you see, not everyone has that certainty. We put our fears out there in the universe and our reality becomes a reflection of that fear.
By the afternoon I had managed to meditate and to visit that place of knowingness where all is safe and complete.
The point of this particular blog is that by night time I went chanting, I felt strong and unstoppable. I feel that I am truly growing and flourishing and that pain has been a gift in my life. Pain is necessary for transformation and growth. Nobody grows without pain. Our vulnerabilities are our allies. They give us the necessary training to fully become this agents of power, light and love.
If you ever doubt your power this is a good mantra to repeat over and over again with your eyes closed:
"Ahum Jotir Atman" Which means: I am that light that brightens this entire universe, I radiate truth, action, power and knowledge.
Night night. Giselle xx